Whether you are married with kids, have a partner or single, setting boundaries never comes easy.  Whether its personal or work or even your local barista, making sure you set boundaries early on is always a good idea if you are a person that find certain questions uncomfortable.  But what happens if get older and your priorities change.  You have an existing relationship but your not sure how to set new boundaries in that relationship.

This can go in many ways and really depends on your approach, and of course the person you are setting boundaries with.  Do they need a soft touch to make a point, otherwise they through a tantrum?  Or are they more straightforward and like a more honest and direct way of dealing with things?  In both cases you can still put boundaries but your approach will be different. Cultural differences also play a role here – where I come from straightforward is considered rude and being diplomatic is the default setting no matter who you talk to.

Ripping the band aid off

For those in the latter category and prefer a more no nonsense approach with a straightforward way of doing things it’s definitely a lot easier to set boundaries.  It won’t mean that they won’t take it personal, but at least you can worry less about the tone and diplomacy and focus more on the reason and the circumstances for these new boundaries.

In all cases never make it personal, and focus the conversation on what’s good for you.  It’s not about them necessarily (even if the truth is that it is), but discuss how you have changed, your circumstances have changed, and how at this stage in your life this is what make you most comfortable.

Be clear that boundaries does not mean the relationship will suffer, in fact in most cases setting boundaries might bring you closer in being honest on how you feel and what makes you comfortable.  But that is probably something felt long term and in the short term recognize there might be an adjustment period but that this should not be taken for granted as an indefinite way of dealing with each other.  Make sure that you say something like “I’m sure this will take some getting used to in the next month or two but after that I will feel much more comfortable when we know where we stand.”  That way you have set a timeline.  

Put on you soft gloves

For the other group of people who need a more diplomatic touch the message is the same but your tone and way of introducing it will have to be more nuanced.  You may have to introduce the idea of boundaries in directly early on and as days go by make the point a little more obvious so that it is not a sudden and abrupt idea.  Eventually they will catch on and open the conversation.

Much like the more straightforward group, if the conversation starts never make it about them.  Keep it focused on you and how you feel.  How your circumstances have changed, how you see the world is not the same and that you still want to have the relationship, but some boundaries need to be set at this point in your life.  Things can always change later on, but you don’t want to say that it just keeps the door open and they may be frustrated as to when things will go back to what they were before.  This can actually build up resentment over time which you don’t want.

Be respectful in your language and clear, don’t keep it vague out of fear of a reaction – that just drags out the process even more and adds confusion with the other person.  Make sure you emphasize how much you value the relationship, and you want to continue being happy and comfortable whenever you are with them, and having boundaries will help in doing that.

You should also note that there is an adjustment time and that this is new for both of you, but make sure you don’t keep it open ended and give it a month or two max.  they should get the point by then.

In both cases be prepared that no matter what you do they might take it personally and there might be a period where you might experience silent treatment, but that is purely out of love.  In some cases you might lose the relationship completely, but that is beyond your control, and that just reinforces that the person was never meant to be in your life – if they valued your relationship equally they should respect the boundaries rather than outright cutting you off.

It’s never easy, especially if it is family or a work colleague that you must see regularly.  But realize there are 8 billion people in this planet (and growing) and you have plenty of chances to build up relationships with people you want to and that make you feel comfortable.  Overall life is to short, as much of a cliché as that may be, and being kind to yourself and others should be the way to live your life.  This includes keeping boundaries (kind to yourself) and being respectful when you do it (kind to others).

Have you had to set boundaries with people you know?  How did that go?